2018 was about pulling myself out of depression.
On the last day of 2017, I pledged to grab what was left of me by the collar and drag myself out of the dark hole I was in – because nobody else could do it. Or because nobody else would.
It was about starting every day by looking in the mirror, at the reflection that made me nauseous with disgust, and saying, "Remember: You are fine. There is no reason to hate yourself." It was about learning that someone will always be there for me and will give me exactly the love and understanding I needed – even if that someone was me myself. Especially that this someone was me – that the support I desperately needed had actually been there all along.
It was about discovering that I don't have to be something I'm not. About stuffing my entire life in a small car in the middle of the night and leaving the place I hated without saying goodbye. About learning to turn my own fear into a tool to make myself stronger. About making friends from all over the world, once again, like in the good old times.
2018 was about laughing one day and suddenly realizing: For the first time in a long while, I don't feel like dying anymore.
The page is about to turn once again, and while it might be too early for another New Year's resolution, I am ready to commit to it. 2019 will be about getting things done, making things happen – and not giving a fuck about what other people think.
There has always been something stopping me from making my life what I wanted it to be. It was my parents when I was a kid. It was my own indecisiveness when I left them. Laziness as I grew older. The paranoia of being judged.
But this year something finally snapped, and now I know that it is time, now. There is a grain of truth in the ridiculous notion that being in our twenties means we are getting old, but the truth is not that we are about to fall apart and life is ending, but that there are things we should be doing but we are not. Being 24 means I am young enough to turn my life around but old enough to not cry over it if I accidentally fuck it up in the process. The worst possible outcome is being twice this age and thinking, "Man, I should've totally done this stupid thing in 2019, but I didn't."
So it's time to contemplate less and do more – and then bravely face whatever consequences I find myself in. After all, 2018 marked the first time I actually went through with my New Year's resolution, and let me tell you, it feels pretty damn nice.
И с приветом, и спасибо всем тем,
Кто мигал дальним светом,
Принимая ответный сигнал этим летом,
И так любит рисковать.
Ртуть упала, и листва за окном шелестеть перестала,
И вдвоём под одним шерстяным одеялом
Остаёмся зимовать.